First dates, sometimes last.

Ernestina’s  email read: “OMG…I have a ‘date’ on Tuesday evening…I’m not sure if I know how to act on a date…it’s been so long.” I instantly replied: “OH! I want details! Act like a lady… for as long as you can.”

Ernestina is a self-reliant woman who can wrangle a horse as easily as wrestle a 2×4 and be perfectly comfortable wearing  a gown with 6 inch heels singing show tunes center stage. However, her family is a thousand miles away and I felt that she needed someone to prod her memory about all the things you should know about a gentleman caller. So I intervened:

• Where did you meet? Is he self-supporting? Theater person? Sense of humor? Likes animals? Likes the OUTDOORS? Likes chainsaws?
• How’s his wife? Ex? Dead? (How…?)
• Have you Googled him? Does he live with his mother? Do they own a motel? Is his last name Bates?
• What kind of shoes? Loafers? Wingtips? Velcro?
• Does he wear jewelry? Rings? Necklace? Bracelet? Ankle bracelet? Electronic? — this  is a NOGO!
• Tattoos? Visible…oh wait that would depend on how well you know each other… never mind, TMI.  On second thought, he could have invisible tattoos. Those are the kind I have. Painless, too!
• Is he a morning person or a night owl? Can he see himself in a mirror? Does he spend a lot of time looking in mirrors?
• What kind of car does he drive? Do all the doors open? Is he living in it?
• Does he have a boat? Does it need a dock or can he put it on or in the car when he’s not sleeping in it?
• Does he have siblings? Why doesn’t he talk to them? How does he feel about his parents? He never calls… well, never may be an exaggeration, but it sure seems like never… oh wait, I digressed.
• Where are you going for dinner? Bojangles is not a good first date. Neither is McDonald’s… I know a guy who met his eventual ex-wife there, not a really funny story. She came with baggage and firearms. Again, I digress.
• What are you gonna wear? YES, CLOTHES! Not too short, not too low…. let him focus on your smile and the sparkle in your eyes. Say,”Aww…”
• Wear shoes you can run in… ya, never know! You may want to, you may have to.
• Are you meeting him or is he picking you up?  Your dog will be the first character reference if he’s picking you up.
• Bring a Kleenex and a dime.  That’s what my mom used to say. Now it’s: make sure your cell phone is charged and tell me what time to make the check in call.
• AND lipstick… always have your lipstick with you.
• I am rooting for you. And if he is not princely, then I have a 2 body trunk. What? You think I’m kidding about that witness protection thing, eh?

Fortunately, (for him) they had a pleasant dinner, but little chemistry. She’s still available, if you know someone that can take the scrutiny.